Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The other day my friend asked me where did I get my name Georgia Star.He said you are not from Georgia.I have gone back and forth about if I could write this but I guess I should.Georgia was my friend.We lived around the corner from each other in Mississippi.Our mothers were best friends.Rode bikes together.Slept at each others house.Disagreed and sometimes we fought.She was the sister I always wanted.My best friend.Partner in crime.We got into a lot of trouble together.The time we rode our bikes down to the river.We couldn't go past the town hall for weeks.Cut my bangs into what we thought was a real style.Planned our life out together.At this point in our life we were suppose to be living in LA, married with at least one baby and a rock star career.But we never to got to that dream.October 11,1995 is a day that I will always remember.My friend and her mother were killed on that day.I can remember that day like it was yesterday.I remember what I had on and what my brother had on.It was still hot enough for us to have on shorts and t-shirts.We were getting ready to go to church.It was a Wednesday evening around 6pm when we found out.The world that I had built came crashing down around me.It didn't make sense to me then and doesn't make make sense to me now.Sometimes I think back to all the days we spent hanging out on the swing set in the yard.Riding our bikes around in circles because we didn't have anything else to do.Playing at the track.Going to church and singing in the choir together.Making up some kind of club.Laying over on Millie and she rubbing my head.Her laugh and smile.Those are the days that I miss.Georgia never got to live a full life.She never got to experience being a teenager, high school, 18th and 21st birthday.People complain about all that they haven't done in their life and I think at least you had the chance to see your next birthday.You got the chance to live a very full life up until this point.I find myself complaining sometimes and I stop.No I didn't move to LA and I am not married.No rock star career.But I have done some of the things on our list.I still have it and I keep it put away in a special place.I got a tattoo.My hair was red.I tasted alcohol.I cut all my hair off for no reason at all.I laugh at all the silly stuff that comes my way.I try to sing all the songs that come on the radio.Sometimes I get lost in the clouds and play a game with myself.What does that cloud look like? Let the rain hit me in my face sometimes.I even added somethings to the list as I got older.But sometime I want to have a conversation with the grown Georgia.What would she be like? Would she look the same? Have the same laugh?Would she have dated my brother? I like to think that would have been a cute couple. Would my life be different?I lost more than a friend that day.I lost a piece of myself that day.How do you deal with the pain afterwards and the fear?I sometimes find myself looking over my shoulder.Being very careful about who I let into my personal space.The last day we saw Millie and Georgia was so sunny and bright outside.We had been riding bikes and playing.When they got ready to walk home someone said goodbye.Millie turned around and laughed a laugh that only she could.She said don't say goodbye because I am going to see tomorrow.She said say see you later.Tomorrow never came.So now when I leave someones I never say goodbye.I always make a point to say see you later.I will see you tomorrow.That sticks with me to this day.So I get my name from Georgia.She is the star shining the brightest at night.My friend that sometimes I feel next me when I am when I am scared.I guess it is not goodbye for us.One day we are going to meet again and we will have a lot to talk about.It will be like old times.I wish I had known that was our last today because I would have said I love you and I don't know what I am going to do without my sister.How can I do all these things without you here to help me?I sometimes feel bad because I never told them that I love you.Three simple words that I never said.I didn't hug them when they walked away.I just stood there and watched then walk down the hill.Not saying anything.Just standing there.I know people say you were just a kid so how would you know what to say.I would say I love you and I will think of you every time I feel wind on my face.Every time I see a tulip.Red tulips cause that is what grew in your yard by the swing set.I will remember your funky attitude that sometime got you in trouble.I would hug you tight and whisper it will be ok.You would think that I would be able to write this and not cry but I can't.I cry because this is the first time I have ever written about them.It has taken me 14 years to get this on paper and I feel like it happened yesterday.I feel like that little kid standing in the yard watching my mother cry.Standing in the house watching my brother hit the wall.Watching people come past the house just to be nosey and say that they were there.Tell the people in your life that you love them.Hug them tight.Cherish the little moments.If I could have any day it would be the ones when Brian, Georgia, and I rode our bikes down that big hill.Just to feel the wind on our face.I felt free.Like a bird almost.We were so care free.So friend that is where my name comes from.Georgia Star!Peace and Love!